this is me pretending to be in the past when i'm really in the future.
i'm actually sick of pretending

but what does it mean anyway.
how do you know when or why?

red wine and food for free. fine, then i'll agree

this day has been so weird. when i woke up i felt pretty normal, but after a few hours and cups of coffee i felt so surreal, almost like i was drunk or stoned or something. i was a bit suspicious that there might be something extra in the coffee but i guess it's only my living habits i have to blame for everything.... :D

when i got to work, i went almost crazy. i felt like i could do anything, i felt really powerful, mentally at least. but still, it was almost like half of me was floating a feet or two above my body. like i could control every move i made and everything i said, but like it was someone else actually doing the things.

huh

i was only joking when i said i'd like to smash every tooth in your head

this is all just fucked up. i'm tired of hearing grown up people feeling sorry for themselves and making me feel like it's all my fault. it's fucking frustrating and immature and i'm so sick of it.


i just want to run away, somewhere far where i wouldn't be anyone's problem. i've always been put in between others' problems and being made to choose sides. but what fucking sides? i don't really understand what i should be doing.

and i get this feeling that i shouldn't even be thinking about this, that there really is nothing i should be doing about this. that i shouldn't even be in this whole situation anymore.

and in the end it's all about money. only money. i wish we'd all be either stinking rich or just average. without any large gaps between peoples incomes and wealth.

NOSTALGIA

SUCKS!

i hate it. and i'm sure i'm not the only one. i mean, i understand that thinking about stuff you did last summer or three years ago brings back good memories and it usually makes you happy, right? but it sure doesn't make me happy. not one freaking bit! i feel sad because good things never last forever, or if they do, they change. i like change, totally. change is great! but i guess i'm more of the "look forward, not back"-type anyway.

i don't know why i tortured myself again and wasted 30 minutes of my life feeling sad about happy things. doesn't even make sense lol. well, now i can at least laugh at myself if nothing else.

well, enough of that crap and on to some more nonsense!

the location of my angsty ass atm is the bed of a "no-frills" hotel in the heart of the lovely "city" of joensuu. it's actually not that bad here, joensuu is so wintery and beautiful with it's foggy everflowing river, the icicles hanging from the trees, and the little marketplace in the middle of everything. i'm not sure if i like this place more in the winter or in the summer, i have so many good childhood memories of both seasons here! and i really love north karelian people, they're so social, friendly, open, and so down to earth! most people in helsinki are just so shallow and cold, but hopefully that situation is improving!

i suddenly ran out of things to say even though i thought i had more stuff in mind i needed to let out. but i guess i don't, so i'll sneak outside to smoke a cig, grab something to eat from the vending machine downstairs and then get some SLEEP so i won't be a total zombie tomorrow at the funeral! (though i already know i'm going to look like a mixture of a crack whore, a butchy lezzie and an idiot in my white blouse, blazer, black jeans and high heels......)

so good night! over and out

can you catch the can

off off off with head

i should be sitting at work, tired and pissed off, selling people groceries and alcohol and loads of other useless shit they don't really need, but instead i'm at home doing my own sorts of useless things (apart from drinking too much beer and just being plain lazy...) like developing and editing some shitty holga film i took last night. i'm happy that the film actually turned out OK even though i kind of messed up with the developing.... i guess the actual photos are nothing more than a bit below average, but i actually enjoy the process so much i don't really care how the results are. ha

and while i'm trying not to lose my nerves with my annoyingly SLOW and supposedly "practical" (haha) film scanner, i'm being made to listen to some really lame background music of my local clinic's phone queue... i mean, i'd much rather listen to some random beeping or something. but luckily i got an appointment for this afternoon so i can get a sick leave for a couple of days... too bad i can't really actually rest and try to heal my flu because i'm leaving to joensuu (my parents' hometown) to attend my grandfathers funeral.

with all due respect to him, i'd rather not go at all though. i really don't like the churches and sad faces and the melancholy of the whole ceremony, i just feel like it's disrespecting the memory of the person. why not spend the time focusing on remembering all the good times had with the person instead of carrying some corpse around and throwing dirt on the coffin? because really, it is just a corpse, the real person that used to be inside is not there anymore. not there. gahh!

but i guess i'll just have to endure and put on my socially acceptable mask :-------------) oh fun