astrophysics will never be my closest friend

"i find no comfort in what my mind can't comprehend"

although matthew is talking about astrophysics, that sentence pretty much sums up my feelings toward human relations, and their sometimes unbelievably complex nature. not saying that astrophysics were any less complicated, but at the very least there's some observable rules of consistency. human relationships lack all that and it confuses me more than i can tolerate.

people seem to expect things of me that i am neither capable nor willing to do. no matter how hard i try to make it clear that i refuse to make any promises, and that people will at some point find me unreliable, i still get yelled at for being just that. would you please just realize that it's not my freaking problem if you have issues with yourselves? i don't remember giving birth to any kids, so i won't be your freaking mother either. thanks.

you're my satellite, you're riding with me tonight

i've recently learned to like my own company again. i actually like living inside my head, having conversations with myself, being able to say whatever the hell i want without having to listen to objections. for god's sake life shouldn't be a courtroom. i don't need to be judged all the time.

i like closing my eyes and traveling to faraway places, i like swaying to the music without caring whether someone is looking, i like sitting in the bus looking out of the window smiling just because life feels so good. and then i see the people. now there's something that i don't particularly like. i try not to care too much though. it's just me and my music, my boring science facts and alternative realities.

i love this song. and i really need to update more often.

saturnday night fever

lately i've been planning a little visit to the M31, also known as the andromeda galaxy, our dear neighbour in the andromeda constellation, and possibly not even a little one.. hell, why not make it permanent while i'm at it. who knows, i might even find some sophistication there, since i've pretty much given up on ever finding martians.

random side-info: the word "earthling" kind of reminds me of earthworms... oh well. not a big difference there.

i've also been doing an experiment i call "the sheldon cooper method for staying in your right mind." it includes the use of heavily sarcastic smiles and thoughts when looking at/thinking of "inferior life-forms", and other useful stuff inspired by my favourite fict...man in the world. it's fairly effective, i recommend it highly.

still can't get my mind around the fact that it's christmas... like, today. i didn't get many presents either so that might contribute to that too, but had a nice time with my family nonetheless, kind of like a nice, a little unusual friday evening. anyway, probably needless to say i was pretty excited when i got my presents (an electronic book reader and a cell-phone case) and they were wrapped in this:

happy day-of-the saturn to all earthlings!

dear universe,
could you please stop messing with my goddamn life for a change? i'd much rather even spend my time thinking about quantum mechanics, than the contents of my own head. it's just all too overwhelming.

otherwise, my constant confusion and other shit put aside, life seems pretty promising at the moment. i've been planning my future and thinking about all the possible choices of education that would suit my needs, and i've managed to stay surprisingly optimistic. (considering the fact that i tend to underestimate my skills and feel bad about myself.) it's refreshing to be able to think that i might actually be successful in something.

i've also been thinking about stuff like inspiration, personality, etc., stuff that makes us who we are, and realized that i'm not actually that way off when thinking that i might be doing just fine on my journey of soul-searching. i know a disappointing amount of people who e.g. think that being inspired by something/someone means acting and looking exactly like them, and being full of themselves just because people treat them like they're oh-so-fucking special. makes me wonder if they're really that stupid, or just lost. i guess i'd just want to say that grow up already, we're not children anymore.

i wish i could get rid of this creative block i'm suffering from and start taking photographs again, writing has never really been my thing and it only seems to get worse the more i do it.... good luck on the matriculation exams, me.

don't be sad, baby jane.

is what my mom once said to me when i was feeling bad about myself, and for some weird reason it made me feel a whole lot better at the time. now, if there was anything left to say, it would more likely be something along the line "what ever happened to baby jane?"

life is rather disappointing but nothing new there i guess.

i've also had this good-for-nothing excuse of a blog for over a year and a half now, and i realized that nobody still knows that i even have one. do i really just enjoy writing to myself so much that i don't even want to bother telling someone about it? well, anyway, i deleted a whole bunch of old entries just in case someone other than me ends up reading this crap someday.

stor, större, störst

du vet inte var jag varit, du vet inte vem jag är.
vet du alls vem du varit? vet du ens vem du är?
älskling, det är livet


kent on parasta sieluterapiaa, vois vaan kuunnella loputtomiin. meinasin alottaa et torstai onkin hyvä päivä tuhlata turhaan lagaukseen koska tää päivä on muutenki vähän tällanen mut sit tajusin että eihän tässä paljoa ole muutenkaan mitään tullut tehtyä, päivästä riippumatta.

mut ei siinä mitään, jotenki tuntuu että tämä yksinolo tekee ihan hyvää mielelle varsinkin kun siitä on oikeasti ikuisuuksia kun oon viimeksi viettänyt aikaa ihan vaan itseni kanssa ja kuunnellut tunteja musiikkia ja miettinyt elämää.

rauhoittava ajatus ettei tarvitse miettiä että miksi sanoo jotain tai miksi tekee jotain. mietin tässä yksi päivä että syy miksi mä olen kyllästynyt olemaan ihmisten keskellä johtuu siitä että tunnen koko ajan että mun pitäisi selittää tekemisiäni. ja haluaisinkin, selittää, en selitellä.

ehkä mäkään en vaan ole luotettava.

hard time for some resolution

 loppuis tää loputtomalta tuntuva talvi jo.

vaikka oikeastaan kylmyys on sen ainoa huono puoli. on nautinnollista kun on joku ulkoinen (teko)syy sille että voi vaan lukittautua neljän seinän sisälle päiviksi potematta siitä sen suuremmin huonoa omatuntoa.

kesällä tuntuu aina siltä että olisi pakko olla jossain vaikka väkisin. lähteä puistoon esittämään lukevansa kirjaa, esittämään ettei mua häiritse istua yksin keskellä keskustaa kahvi kädessä ja tyhmän näköisenä, esittämään puhuvansa puhelimessa jollekin ja sopivansa tapaamista kun on kävellyt saman paikan ja samojen ihmisten ohi jo kymmenen kertaa kun kadut loppuu aina tässä kaupungissa kesken.

yksinäisyys ei koskaan häiritse mua ulkomailla, siellä tuntuu aina olevan joku selittämätön hyvä syy sille miksi on yksin katselemassa ihmisiä tai yksin lukemassa lehteä kahvilassa. "muuten vaan" ja "ilman mitään erityistä syytä" on täysin päteviä syitä.

nonsense

every single day, i make a promise to myself that i would stop having a pan of coffee and a pack of cigs for my breakfast. and every single day, i fail to actually do that. then i complain for the rest of the day how my stomach aches, how sick i feel and how i have no appetite although i'm so hungry i feel like i'm passing out. well no wonder why, idiot. and here i am, drinking too much coffee again. some people never learn huh?



when i woke up this morning (and a pretty weird awakening it was...) i decided to do something really useful and interesting today. instead, i turned on my computer and started reading blogs and other random stuff on the web, and that was what? 4 hours ago and i'm still sitting here and have gained absolutely nothing from this. except for the stomachache, and a pleasant little headache to go with it. but as of tomorrow, (i'm getting my sewing machine back) i'm going to do nothing but sew sew and sew. and hopefully it will help me get the inspiration i've been looking for.

and talking about inspirations... for a long time, i've been wanting to do a post on my top 15 most inspirational people. people that have encouraged me to do my own thing and be who i am, just by doing their own thing. so i think i'm finally going to start working on that, i guess that's enough of useful and interesting for today?

how

is it even possible for a person as talkative as me, to be so lazy when it comes to updating a blog?

i mean, it's been like three or four months since my last post, again, and it definately is not that i don't have anything to say. i've never been that interested in writing stuff in diaries or private blogs because i like my thoughts and opinions to be read/heard, so i guess that might be the reason. considering that i haven't ever even told anyone about this blog.

maybe it's about time that i change that, huh?

anyway, a lot has happened during this year, a lot of pretty lifechanging stuff i could say. i started working, i started school again, my whole circle of friends changed (and not just once but many times) and it feels like i have found myself again, and certainly lost myself a couple of times too. but now that yet another decade in my life is coming to it's end, i feel like it's time to start taking life a bit more seriously.

 i have so many things in my head i want to do, to design and to achieve, and it would be a total waste to just let them slip away without doing anything about it. i'm tired of feeling useless and dull, feeling bad about myself even though deep down i know that i have potential to do anything i want. if i just tried even a little.

i also decided to stop pressuring myself to doing things i really don't want to. i mean let's face it, i'm not going to get PhD's or become a rocket scientist. i'm not going to spend my life working in an office full of people with no interest in anything whatsoever. and i'm certainly not going to start looking for a person to get married with and start a family any time soon. i need to stop thinking that i should, for no reason. so why can't i bring myself to actually do things I want then? i just can't figure out why.

lack of self-confidence, perhaps. even though i find that a bit hard to believe about myself. self-confidence doesn't improve by itself but through success. and success doesn't really come running at you, you have to make it happen. make it work, as tim gunn would say.

and maybe i just should, work a little harder to make it work.

いつの間に・・・？

it's weird how fast the months go by nowadays. first it's like march and summer is getting nearer and nearer every day, and before you even notice... it's fucking august! like, what?

i could almost say that this summer was one of the best ones so far in my life because i feel like i've been a lot happier than usually during the summer. well not happier maybe, but mentally a bit more stable i think.

but even after many summers (and years), i still haven't figured out what i want to do with my life. and it does kind of bother me, even though i know i'm not in a hurry. but right now i'm just trying to focus all my energy into planning my trip to japan next winter. i'll think about the rest when i get back from there i guess. i shouldn't put myself under so much pressure.

blah

it never is

it's too easy to lose control in life,
i wish i was more responsible.

it's too easy to dream, and too hard to let go of dreams to achieve something else. it's a shame though, i wish i could just have it all and be happy with that.

but i guess i'm not one to say anything.

sometimes it's weird

how you feel that

it's not really up to you

to make the desicions.

concerning you

your life and

your feelings.

you feel lost and dizzy,

undecided

like you're being wrapped

in plastic wrap

maybe not

this is me pretending to be in the past when i'm really in the future.
i'm actually sick of pretending

but what does it mean anyway.
how do you know when or why?

red wine and food for free. fine, then i'll agree

this day has been so weird. when i woke up i felt pretty normal, but after a few hours and cups of coffee i felt so surreal, almost like i was drunk or stoned or something. i was a bit suspicious that there might be something extra in the coffee but i guess it's only my living habits i have to blame for everything.... :D

when i got to work, i went almost crazy. i felt like i could do anything, i felt really powerful, mentally at least. but still, it was almost like half of me was floating a feet or two above my body. like i could control every move i made and everything i said, but like it was someone else actually doing the things.

huh

i was only joking when i said i'd like to smash every tooth in your head

this is all just fucked up. i'm tired of hearing grown up people feeling sorry for themselves and making me feel like it's all my fault. it's fucking frustrating and immature and i'm so sick of it.


i just want to run away, somewhere far where i wouldn't be anyone's problem. i've always been put in between others' problems and being made to choose sides. but what fucking sides? i don't really understand what i should be doing.

and i get this feeling that i shouldn't even be thinking about this, that there really is nothing i should be doing about this. that i shouldn't even be in this whole situation anymore.

and in the end it's all about money. only money. i wish we'd all be either stinking rich or just average. without any large gaps between peoples incomes and wealth.

NOSTALGIA

SUCKS!

i hate it. and i'm sure i'm not the only one. i mean, i understand that thinking about stuff you did last summer or three years ago brings back good memories and it usually makes you happy, right? but it sure doesn't make me happy. not one freaking bit! i feel sad because good things never last forever, or if they do, they change. i like change, totally. change is great! but i guess i'm more of the "look forward, not back"-type anyway.

i don't know why i tortured myself again and wasted 30 minutes of my life feeling sad about happy things. doesn't even make sense lol. well, now i can at least laugh at myself if nothing else.

well, enough of that crap and on to some more nonsense!

the location of my angsty ass atm is the bed of a "no-frills" hotel in the heart of the lovely "city" of joensuu. it's actually not that bad here, joensuu is so wintery and beautiful with it's foggy everflowing river, the icicles hanging from the trees, and the little marketplace in the middle of everything. i'm not sure if i like this place more in the winter or in the summer, i have so many good childhood memories of both seasons here! and i really love north karelian people, they're so social, friendly, open, and so down to earth! most people in helsinki are just so shallow and cold, but hopefully that situation is improving!

i suddenly ran out of things to say even though i thought i had more stuff in mind i needed to let out. but i guess i don't, so i'll sneak outside to smoke a cig, grab something to eat from the vending machine downstairs and then get some SLEEP so i won't be a total zombie tomorrow at the funeral! (though i already know i'm going to look like a mixture of a crack whore, a butchy lezzie and an idiot in my white blouse, blazer, black jeans and high heels......)

so good night! over and out

can you catch the can

off off off with head

i should be sitting at work, tired and pissed off, selling people groceries and alcohol and loads of other useless shit they don't really need, but instead i'm at home doing my own sorts of useless things (apart from drinking too much beer and just being plain lazy...) like developing and editing some shitty holga film i took last night. i'm happy that the film actually turned out OK even though i kind of messed up with the developing.... i guess the actual photos are nothing more than a bit below average, but i actually enjoy the process so much i don't really care how the results are. ha

and while i'm trying not to lose my nerves with my annoyingly SLOW and supposedly "practical" (haha) film scanner, i'm being made to listen to some really lame background music of my local clinic's phone queue... i mean, i'd much rather listen to some random beeping or something. but luckily i got an appointment for this afternoon so i can get a sick leave for a couple of days... too bad i can't really actually rest and try to heal my flu because i'm leaving to joensuu (my parents' hometown) to attend my grandfathers funeral.

with all due respect to him, i'd rather not go at all though. i really don't like the churches and sad faces and the melancholy of the whole ceremony, i just feel like it's disrespecting the memory of the person. why not spend the time focusing on remembering all the good times had with the person instead of carrying some corpse around and throwing dirt on the coffin? because really, it is just a corpse, the real person that used to be inside is not there anymore. not there. gahh!

but i guess i'll just have to endure and put on my socially acceptable mask :-------------) oh fun